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Stars and Stinkers
By Daniel Fienberg
Zap2it, TV News
"Diane Warren's
success as a contemporary songwriter is unparalleled."
That phrase, taken from an "American Idol" voice-over, is one of the saddest
nine-word combinations in the English language. Say what you will about the
statement's basic veracity (Bob
Dylan, Paul
McCartney and others probably asked for clarification on "contemporary" and
"successful" and decided the competition wasn't worth winning), but more
distressing is what it augers. A Diane Warren theme night on "American Idol"
promises maudlin and identical ballads to nap by. It delivers.
The most positive sign coming in to Tuesday night (April 22) was that some of
Warren's worst and biggest hits had already been done. Josh "The Marine" Gracin,
for example, couldn't warble his way through "Don't Want to Miss a Thing" and
Carmen Rasmusen couldn't repeat that mediocre song from "Coyote Ugly."
Disappointingly, with these obvious choices out of the way, the finalists still
skip the juicy parts of Warren's catalogue, classics like "Blame It On the
Rain," "Don't Turn Around" and the immortal Expose track "My Baby Never Looked
Good in Blue."
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Kimberley
Locke opens the show with "If You Ask Me To." Locke is much better than the song
she's singing, but she can only elevate the material so far. Still, she's found
her style, and her stage confidence and voice is superior. The judges agree.
Randy calls it "brilliant." Paula praises Kimberley's competitive spirit or
something. Simon says that Kimberley looks cute and sounds great and installs
her in the fickle frontrunner role he's previously bestowed on Clay and Ruben.
Following Simon's advice from last week, I close my eyes for Clay's performance of "I Could Not Ask for More," skipping his latest battery of white chocolate soul affectations. The trick mostly works. Clay sounds great (in his familiar way), but what was with the overproduced arrangement? Eyes shut, it's tough to tell which part of the densely layered harmony is actually Clay. Randy declares him one of the best in America. Paula sagely observes that Clay is a definite contender for the finale. Diane Warren says nothing of interest because she has nothing to say for the entire show. If the celebrity judges are afraid to offer anything constructive, they're really just more filler. Simon rehashes the chestnut about Clay being more suited for Broadway, but still seems OK with the work overall.
After Clay's performance, there's an extended and stultifying commercial for sponsor-come-lately Herbal Essences, a humor-free five minutes watching the singers dye. The only pressing question is whether Carmen's shampoo-induced simulated orgasm in front of millions of viewers will earn her a censure from the Church of Latter Day Saints.
After the break, Trenyce is up with "Have You Ever." Relying on a little extra vibrato this week to cover her normal pitchiness, she is absolutely the fourth best singer remaining in this competition. No worse and no better. Randy natters something about Trenyce doing her thing. Paula praises her, saying that she's found herself as a performer. She's right on target here, provided "found yourself as a performer" is Paula's code for "continue to mimic Whitney Houston mannerism-for-mannerism every week." Simon says that he's still waiting to see Trenyce's real personality.
Several weeks back, Simon told Josh the Marine that he could stand to lose 10 or 15 pounds. At the time, Simon's comment seemed odd and inappropriate. It doesn't anymore. Josh's puffy new demeanor isn't helped by an awful choice of song, with "That's When I'll Stop Loving You." As was the case with Josh's celebrated evisceration of "Celebration," he starts off sharp and stays there the entire time, as if determined to force the song into his different and wrong key. He's also added some strange facial tics that would make even Clay cringe. Josh's wife, standing hands clenched in the crowd, seems quiet and reserved, either out of nervousness or because she knows her husband blew it. Randy, generous, says that Josh may have hit a couple notes. In a season characterized by empty praise, Paula hits a new level of vacuity. She manages to confuse "showing vulnerability" with "showing a total absence of range." Warren makes the same easy mistake. Simon insults Josh for singing the entire song out of his nose, but mostly cuts him slack. He also throws in a snide comment about how the Marines will respond to Josh's newly tinted locks and his hair commercial, meaning that the "Idol" moratorium on homophobic humor managed to last all of one week.
Carmen is next. Poor Carmen. Or rather, "Pore Carmen." It's bad enough that she's much worse than anybody left in the competition, but she's also become an ill-fated poster girl for what happens when you fail to use enough Noxema when removing pancake make-up. The stylists can feather her hair over her face as much as they want and the camera can try to approach her only from the side, but it's too late. The outbreak cannot be quarantined. She sings "Love Will Lead You Back," a song which, thanks to her perpetually bleating, becomes "Love Will Lead You B-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-c-k." She looks awkward and sounds average (actually a minor improvement over the past two weeks). Randy says that Carmen is out of her league, which she is. Paula disagrees and says Carmen redeemed herself, which she didn't. Simon declares that Carmen was better than last week, but can't win the competition. Carmen opens her eyes wide, as if she's never even considered the possibility.
FOX adds insult to injury by going to break and almost instantly running a spot for Biore facial cleanser.
Ruben is the night's final performer, singing "Music of My Heart." While he looks good in a slimming outfit, this is far from his best performance, though Internet rumors suggest he's been fighting a bad cold. Even tepid Ruben is still good enough. Randy is full of praise. Paula laughs that Simon was wrong last week when he told Ruben to mix it up. Simon reminds Paula that since Ruben did, in fact, mix it up, he was actually exactly right, which he was. Paula seems not to understand. In addition to "The Music of Diane Warren," the night's secondary theme is "Paula's a Nice Woman, but Just Doesn't Get It."
Vocally speaking, Clay, Ruben and Kimberley have set themselves so far beyond
the rest of the pack that even full-bodied Ruben is just a speck on the horizon
to the stragglers. That suggests that the bottom three will be Josh the Marine,
Trenyce and Carmen and over the next few weeks, the voters will, presumably,
pick that trio off one-by-one.
